Red Arrow looked out over the Metropolis, his cape languid in the stale boardroom air. Through the dirty ninety-ninth story window he couldn’t see anyone on the street below, but he knew they were out there, the bustling crowds, the criminal element. For every happy, law-abiding citizen walking the well-lit streets there was a nefarious opposite, like a shadowy doppelganger already out stealing purses, raping, murdering, heedless of the police lounging ineffectually around the corner. What were the statistics this year? It made him shiver. Back home, in his small Michigan town, Red Arrow knew all his neighbors by name; it was enough to catch the ne’er-do-wells just to appear in a flash, your mask and gauntlets shimmering in the righteous streetlights. He didn’t know how they did it, Fox Fire, Green Scorpion, the Queen of Hearts, these big city superheroes, who were only just as human, justice chained to the costume. But that’s why, he supposed, they founded the
World Superhero Registry, so that the various local crime-fighting networks and justice societies could work together, patrol all the turf, make the world a safer place for everyone.
And safe the world they did. That’s why the whole Registry was gathered here in Doktor D’s penthouse lair, to celebrate a hundredth capture, Black Arrow busting up an illegal dumping operation down in the bay. The room was decked in her colors, black and purple streamers draped over the Dok’s criminal watch charts and armory, Nix and Nostrum slow dancing like black cats or ninjas, Geist Green Scorpion, and The Eye comparing the cut of their trench coats, swapping tips on not getting caught in elevator doors. Red Arrow it seemed was the only hero not enjoying himself – maybe Black Arrow too, collapsed tipsy in the corner singing old Wobbly songs in her self-congratulation – wondering, what evil deeds are being performed in our absence tonight?
But wait, Doktor DiscorD is also discontent, scrolling through data on his Disconsole computer system as if it were about to catch fire, and then leaping up! Do you ever wonder, he captures the room, red and blue goggles especially piercing the arrow on Red Arrow’s forehead, why none of us has an arch nemesis? Everyone shifts gazes. Captain Jackson looks queasy (that fake public service motherfucker).
It’s simple really, Geist begins, the government told us not to pry into torture, piracy, or the subprime market if we wanted to get licensed… Tothian adds: I’m after Bin Laden.
Wrong answer! The Doktor, sewing his casual chaos. No one’s threatened us yet, our existence, you see? Any nemesis must be opposed to the very supernature of our being. Take these guys, for instance, these
mad scientists. Wait, what’s up Dok? Everyone rushes in closer.
No, it’s just a bunch of professors and respected physicists deary, the Queen of Hearts titters. But look, they’re studying paranormal phenomena: precognition, remote viewing, telekinesis. I tell you it’s the White Visitation all over again,
Darpa spending four million on “neural-signal” communications research.Silent Talk? What’s this, some telepathic Pynchonian phantasia? Fox Fire furious behind his faux fur mask. Amazonia growls. We’re superheroes God damn it, not ghost hunters!
They’re about to turn on each other, the party collapsed to a superbrawl, when Red Arrow yells Stop! and flashes the team with a red-gelled flashlight beam – a neat trick, he’s found, the advantage to get a solid punch in, like to sock the Captain right now for that one time… but hold it! – The Doktor’s right. Listen, if they develop mind-reading soldiers, Johnny Law who can stop bullets with his bare hands… we’ll be out of business!
It’s worse than that, Doktor DiscorD dons a maniacal smile, if mankind can learn to tap into the powers of the cosmos then we will no longer have the right to call ourselves superheroes. We will be no more special than any man or woman, glitzing up in costume to perform a citizen’s arrest. We must strike first, our arch nemeses await. Who’s with me?