θέλημα

in that strange space between another stellar band practice and another bout of illness last night, and the stupidity of an argument with my housemate about musical drones and getting turned away from the east liberty health clinic because i looked like i should go to shadyside's clinic (showing that class and race divides are more important to some than actually healing the ill), I had several strange dreams that stayed with me despite being a bit drunk.

in the first there was a street party in a backwards version of my parent's neighborhood, and it had spilled into their house. i went upstairs to find my younger brother devon, who took me outside to show me a frail leaf that when held to the dying sunlight had engraved on it the greek word "thelema" θέλημα, which he wanted me to hold so he could photograph it. in the second, after a small stint rowing around a pirates' treasure cove i was left standing in the rain outside a shakespearean theatre waiting for a my twin to come back with the car keys so i could get home. i was rolling a cigarette when a redheaded girl in a white cape came out of th stage door and gave me a glancing look over before walking off into the rain as if i should follow her. but i didn't.

maybe it's reading all the anais nin, or finally getting back into my subconscious after a year of gut survival, but both these dreams struck me as highly significant. for years i dreamed of that mystery girl, who i thought of as a muse, but really represented all the faeries and crazy women i chased after, and would follow her through the dream time into all sorts of sticky situations. but now i feel no need to follow her, like i can find my own way home thank you very much, and only reaffirms my decision to find my own way through life without needing to subsume myself in love for others that is never really satisfying. most of it was just trying to find some semblance of the closeness my twin and i had growing up anyway.

as for the thelema leaf, thelema means will, purpose, or desire and became a major tenant of aleister crowley's magical philosophy: 'do what thou will,' stating that each person's task is to find their true will, that path of least resistance of action because it is supported by the whole universe and allows them to achieve their dreams on earth. he got this idea from the 16th century fransiscan monk rabelais who said: "because men that are free, well-born, well-bred, and conversant in honest companies, have naturally an instinct and spur that prompteth them unto virtuous actions, and withdraws them from vice, which is called honour. Those same men, when by base subjection and constraint they are brought under and kept down, turn aside from that noble disposition by which they formerly were inclined to virtue, to shake off and break that bond of servitude wherein they are so tyrannously enslaved; for it is agreeable with the nature of man to long after things forbidden and to desire what is denied us." which sounds to sum up my last five years pretty well.

selena and i had been talking about desire a lot recently, being driven by one's own internal starlight, and getting serious about music and writing this year only seems to be opening up so many more doors and being my "path of right action" that i can't help but follow it furiously. even if art and desire are frail and liable to fall apart in our lives the way the leaf my brother held up was doing. he wanted to photograph it as that is his true will, not just photography, but recording the hidden luminous nature of those things that are transient in this world, as all art does.