the taboo against saying what you believe to be true

It seems the self-expression vs. self-repression memeplex is floating around right now, as I just read several lj entries all dealing with accepting one's own peculiarities and longings enough over society's mores to be able to actually express what we feel. I've been going through this for a long time too, trying to get the jump on the cop in my head, trying to severe myself enough from the super-ego where I can just not give a fuck what comes out of my mouth. Granted I am one of the more repressed people that I know. It's a sad fact but one I am learning to deal with. I don't talk much, but when I do people usually look at me funny. More often now they look at me funny anyway, which is fine as long as I don't care. At least that feels honest. Several weeks ago Joel and I were having this conversation, when he brought up the idea of "not giving a fuck", and said something to the effect of if you are not personally attached to the words that come out of your mouth, other people will be more likely to accept them for what they are, and accept you for what you are. Of course, Joelski usually has to worry about saying too much rather than too little, but at least that's honest too. For example we went on to talk about Christian booty rap (of all things) and he eventually started rapping "who's my mother-fucker? God's my motherfucker!" Which could have been extremely offensive if we were actually attached to the memes of religion and it wasn't a true statement in their mythos. Afterwards I used this as a test to see just how much one could get away with saying in a social setting and repeated this story loudly at several bars. When I got to the "god's my motherfucker" line, people usually laughed, and then said if they hadn't heard it in the context of a story about not giving a fuck what you say they might actually have been offended by it.

Of course, the types of things that usually come out of my subconscious are generally less amusing and more perturbing if people don't have any understanding of where I am coming from. Like when I told Joel about seeing spirits in the corners of my room. Granted I was drunk and raving about all sorts of psycho-delic transcendence at this point (Joel is one of the few people who I can really let it all go in front of), but when I told him about the spirits he said that it sounded like I either needed to find a priest or a psychologist to talk to. At which I laughed and said most of the stuff in my head could easily get me locked up by someone with a normalized view of what is possible. At least I can draw a line between what I know to be real and all the crazy perceptions I put on top of the real to amuse myself and create change on deeper levels. But it's probably true though. If I really didn't give a fuck at all what came out of my mouth I might end up in a mental institution. Sometimes it feels like I say these things anyway precisely to push that boundary. The social limits set up to disuade people from talking madness are much deeper than those set up to keep people from expressing their true feelings for each other and the world. Saying you want to sleep with someone, or love them passionately, or you want to overthrow the government, these things are easy to say, almost acceptable to say, even when we pretend they are not. Other people may not agree with your sentiments, but they still find them as valid opinions. Talking to ghosts and communicating with other people through the backs of their heads are not so valid right now, at least in most circles. And then the question comes up, is this too just a faulty personal perception of what society deems acceptable?

The cop in my head has his claws in deeper than I first thought.